Funny Video Search

I inadvertently have a lot of things to say about this little video on tourism in Cleveland, Ohio.  At some point on Wednesday, I saw this video on my RSS feed reader 10 times.  Had no real idea what it was about, so I was working and ignored it.

Then yesterday morning I received a note from my buddy LJ and he said “dude, have you heard the song about Cleveland?  It’s hilarious, it reminds me of the song from Team America World Police – what is the name of that band?”

They are called DVDA.  The lead singer is Trey Parker.

With that said, it took me a while to put 2 and 2 together and realize that the video in question was the same video from my RSS reader.  I continued to humor my friend with talks about the video, but I never really got very far.

There were a few other conversations I had around this video inadvertently that aren’t worth mentioning (namely because it makes me seem like a biggot), but let’s just say that this Cleveland Tourism video was completely under my radar.

Fast forward to tonight when I write this post, drinking some wine and catching up on some video watching, leisure reading and podcast listening.  What do I come across while listening to the 93x morning show?  The Cleveland Tourism song!  It really makes me want to go Cleveland.

Some good lines:

“Come on down to Cleveland town everyone.  Come and look at both of our buildings”

“You should come on down the west 6th street.  It’s the perfect place if you’re a douchebag”

“Watch all the poor people all wait for buses”

“Who the fuck still uses a pay phone?”

“Here’s the place where there used to be industry.  The train is carrying jobs out of Cleveland”

“Cleveland leads the nation in drifters”

“Here’s a statue of Moses Cleveland.  He’s the guy who invented Cleveland, YEAH!”

Funny Commercials, Public Service Announcements
buses, Cleveland, dvda, poor people, tourism

This one is hot off the presses and very timely.  Lindsay Lohan, America’s favorite celebrity to Gossip about, and fresh off a break-up with Samantha Ronson, has decided to do a fake eHarmony profile for the Funny or Die website.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Video

In the video, she addresses all of the rumors about her, claims that she is not broke (she actually has $400 in the bank and 20,000 Marlboro miles) and she looks absolutely smokin’ hot!  Even if the rumors are true that she’s broke, I think Lindsay Lohan will manage to get by on looks alone.   Plus, she’s obviously got a great sense of humor about herself (or at least a publicist who has coached her in how to directly address the rumors about her life.

Plus, Lindsay is looking really good in this video.  Throw in her throaty voice and the fact that she’s talking about losing her underwear on the first date, and I think Lohan will manage just fine.  Call me!

Some good lines for those of you who Googling quotes from this video:

“I’m an actress, a singer, an entreprenuer, and I single-handedly keep 90% of all gossip web sites in business.”

“I’m a workaholic, a shopaholic, and according to the state of California; an alcoholic, as well as a threat to all security guards if they work at hotels.”

“I am not broke; I actually have $400 in the bank and 20,000 Marlboro miles, which I’m quite proud of.”

“If you think you can handle a red head with a little bit of sass, and by that I a redhead that’s crazy (I mean, don’t act like you don’t know me, we’ve all read about it)”

“I promise you that at the end of the day, I don’t lose my Google hits; just my underwear.”

Funny Commercials, Funny or Die, Lindsay Lohan
eHarmony, Lindsay Lohan

Kenny Powers

There are very few things that you can count on in life, but I would have to say that one of them is the consistency of HBO, and their ability to take a chance on a show that wouldn’t normally work out well on network TV and make it work in their format.  They consistently take gambles, and most of them pay off.  Even when they don’t pay off, HBO has such a good reputation that people watch them anyway!  And if they don’t watch the show when it was originally aired, they surely watch it on DVD.

The most recent of these shows is Eastbound and Down, which I alluded to earlier in the Bat Fight video as being a great source of comedy.  The premise is that Kenny Powers (click the link for his actual fake web site) is a washed up, foul mouthed, and morally lax baseball player who is forced to attempt a normal life after his baseball career goes south.  He’s sort of like John Rocker with a mullet.

In 6 episodes of crudeness and bad language galore, we watch Kenny go through a humbling and humiliating transition from star baseball player who is washed up and overweight to overweight former baseball player coaching phy ed in his hometown.   He’s still very crude and really doesn’t have many redeeming qualities.

He also still thinks very highly of himself compared to the people surrounding him every day, as evidenced in the set of motivational tapes that he listens to for motivation.  The video above features the contents of these tapes.

Some great lines from Kenny Powers’ audio tape, “You’re Fucking Out, I’m Fucking In”:

“I’m the man who has the ball.  I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck.”

“That is why I’m better than everyone in the world.”

“Have you ever paid for sex?  The answer is yes, I have.  Several times in fact.  It’s kinda cool.”

“I’ve been called a Xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not.  I honestly just feel America is the best country and all of the other countries aren’t as good.  That used to be called patriotism. “

Danny McBride, Eastbound and Down
Audio Tapes, Eastbound and Down, Kenny Powers

Carlos Mencia gets Punished for Stealing Jokes

Do you like Fish Sticks? If you answered ‘Yes,’ then you are a gay fish according to the most recent episode of South Park. The premise behind the joke is that if you say it really fast, Fish Sticks sounds a lot like Fish Dicks, thus making you gayer than a rainbow trout. The joke was originally coined by South Park’s class clown, Jimmy, and later stolen and popularized by Cartman.

There were lots of great one-liners in the most recent episode of South Park, but my favorite part of the story has to be the continued ‘calling out’ of Carlos Mencia, one of the most non-funny and unoriginal comedians in history. For years he has been taking jokes from other comedians, and wrapping them up with a big ‘beaner’ bow and presenting them as his own. Basically he just takes a standard joke, adds a Mexican accent to it, and the simple minded and uninformed laugh because they are trained to laugh.  Hilarity doesn’t actually ensue.

I had been complaining about how bad he was for years because he was stealing jokes from Dave Chappelle, and it turns out that pretty much every comedian hates Mencia as well for stealing their jokes.  He also isn’t even Mexican.  He’s half German and his real name is Ned Holness!  Joe Rogan famously called him out while on stage a few years back.  I will have to track down that video and make it a YouTube classic in the near future.

Kanye West is a Gay Fish

The Kanye part of this is episode is pretty classic as well.  Much like the way Trey Parker portrayed Puffy in the past as a larger than life gangsta type, Kanye walks around with a crew and acts tough in this episode as he’s trying to defend the fact that he’s not into homo-beasiality.  In the end, however, he decides that he can’t tempt fate and that he is indeed a gay fish!

After this revelation we are treated to a vintage song to support the claim that is actually pretty catchy.   Nothing better than South Park’s creator, Trey Parker, making songs to support his comedy.  Between South Park and Team America (not to mention Orgasmo and Cannibal the Musical), I don’t think many people have as much comedy songwriting talent as Trey.  I am still waiting for DVDA’s first full length.

Some quality lines (all delivered by Carlos Mencia while being tortured by the Gay Fish Kanye West):

“I stole it man.  Come on man, you know what it’s like?  Being a comedian and not actually being funny?  Come on Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent man.”

“Look at me man, I’m not funny, I steal jokes.  My dick don’t work man.  I have to piss in a plastic bag man… I’ve got no dick!”

Carlos Mencia, Kanye West, South Park
Carlos Mencia, Gay Fish, Kanye West, South Park

I’m not sure if this is a serious video or a joke.  It’s either one of the funniest videos I have ever seen, or the most unintentionally funniest videos I have ever seen.  It’s SOOOO bad, yet so GREAT at the same time.  I really don’t know what to tell you other than watch this horrible video.  At the very least, you’ll feel better about yourself.

Chuggo

If anyone wants to go to a Chuggo concert, please let me know.  I am totally in!

According to his Rap Dictionary page, Chuggo is from Toronto, Ontario.  In fact, his page on Rap Dictionary is so great I figured I would publish it in its entirety:

Chuggo grew up on Lakeshore & Islington in Toronto, Canada between a KFC and a Strip club. For the first 7 years of his life his head grew bigger due to a lot of T.V. Dinners. He discovered music at age of nine in the form of X-Clan, N.W.A., Tim Dog, Kool G. Rap and Def Leppard. Even though he didn’t learn to snap his fingers till he was twelve nothing could stop him from enjoying the latest from Public Enemy. Chuggo is not an emcee he is a rapper. In late 2002 Chuggo began to work in the studio and released his first solo 12-inch vinyl in 2003. Chuggo is a member of The Lakeshore Stranglas “the most dangerous rap group this side of the border” alongside 2Gats, White Fang, Black Male, Koshur and Ritz Nabisko. In 2005 Chuggo was featured as a wanted top 10 criminal on the 222-tips website, with Canadian authorities seeking to apprehend him for creating possibly the worst music in history. He was later jailed for an absolute lack of talent and being a complete failure at life in general. Chuggo only spent 6 months in jail after being anally destroyed for consistently yelling out “AAAARRRRGH C’mon, fuck a GUY”, which attracted inmates attention somewhat.

He sings the best rap song ever, called AAAARRRRGH C’mon, fuck a GUY

Source: Rap Dictionary’s Chuggo Page

Some quality lines:

“I grew up in a strip joint, that’s why I’m trash”

“Remy Martin in my glass, that’s how I’m class”

*Update* I had the following IM conversation about Chuggo today:

Brandon
10:45
I like this guys style.

Jeff
10:46
drink remy martin, that’s how I’m class

Brandon
10:47
I grew up in a strip club, that’s how I’m trash.

Jeff
10:47
love Chuggo
he just looks so fierce and mad when he’s walking on the blue screen

Brandon
10:47

I’m going to go buy some Remy over lunch.
…I like how the ASIAN GIRL in the video is taller than he is!
he’s gotta be like 4′6″
oh, and my new rap name is “Ritz Nabisko”

Brandon
10:52
Honestly, some of the lyrics aren’t bad…they’re pretty clever…

Jeff
10:52
yeah, it’s not horrible… the beat and delivery are just so low rent
it’s not any worse than the other rappers today

Brandon
10:54
wow, the related vids are just as interesting.  Well, almost.
He appears to be legit.  rapping in front of crowds, albumns on iTunes, etc.

Jeff
10:55
Chuggo is for realz

Chuggo, Funny Music Videos
C'Mon Guy, canadian rap, Chuggo

I have a feeling that over the past year Jon Hamm’s popularity has gone from Unknown to Vastly Underrated to Underrated to his present status of simply “rated.”  He’s still under the radar of most main stream entertainment consumers, but he’s now getting enough exposure that people are starting to recognize him.  In fact, he’s all over the place!  I first saw him on Mad Men as the main character, Don Draper.  Next, he hosted SNL and had some hilarious sketches, then he was on Bill Simmons’ podcast, then 30 Rock, and now he’s starring in videos on Funny or Die.   He’s doing a great job of dealing with newfound fame and notoriety by taking on roles on main stream, yet still funny productions.  Hopefully he doesn’t start making stupid movies and ruin his underrated status.

The reason why I like Jon Hamm is that he has been around in Hollywood for a long time, it just took his role on AMC’s Mad Men to propel him into notoriety.  In listening to his interviews, it sounds like he spent a lot of time waiting tables in Hollywood and taking on bit roles in movies before this happened.  I saw him in one of those bit roles last week, when We Were Soldiers was on TV.  He was one of the soldiers.

Now that he is successful, he has the opportunity to gain even more notoriety by starring in sketch comedy and other roles.  This video may be a little old, but it’s still relevant.  In the video, he plays super villain and arch nemesis to Superman, Lex Luther.  He is humbly asking for a bailout from the government… and is quite honest with his intentions.  He’s trying to get Superman!  You can tell that this Lex Luther seriously laments Superman.

“I’m sorry, but I work super hard on these things… and this f***ing guy comes in and he’s like “yeah, I’m the guy”

“I mean come on… I’m going to use the money to kill Superman.  I’m Lex Luther… that’s what I do.  I try to kill Superman”

“I hate Superman… I f***ing hate him”

Funny Bailout Videos, Funny Celebrity Videos, Jon Hamm
bailout, don draper, lex luther, mad men, superman

For those not previously indoctrinated into the Jake and Amir video series, this video would probably appear to be, well, creepy.  In fact, for those familiar with Jake and Amir, this is still pretty creepy!   The premise is that Jake is sitting on the toilet, going #2, when Amir looks over the stall to see what he’s doing.  Jake doesn’t notice, and continues about his business while doing his business.

Amir Eats a Chip in the Bathroom

Amir gets bold and starts to test the boundaries a little bit and Jake still doesn’t notice.  Amir gets even more bold and opens a bag of chips while standing completely above the toilet.   We even see shades of Mission Impossible when he drops a chip and picks it up right before it hits Jake.  Things are going well for Amir, and he’s undetected up until the point that he offers Jake one of the chips.  Hilarity ensues!

Funny Video Sites, Jake and Amir
bathroom humor, iphone, Jake and Amir

One of the greatest ‘bad’ actors of all time, Nic Cage has been consistently bad, yet consistently draws in box office visitors.  He literally changed my life during the summer of my Sophmore year in High School when I worked at a movie theater and the two blockbuster movies were Con Air and Face/Off.   My role at the time was to “pick up” each theater after people left.  You’d be surprised at how lazy people are when it comes to leaving things behind in their chairs.  Since most movies get out at the same time, there was also a lot of down time on the job where I’d sneak in and watch parts of movies.  Due to timing, I’d always sneak in at the exact same part of each movie.  In the case of Con Air, I was in there long enough to hear two great Nic Cage lines in a horrible southern accent (he also had a hideous mullet in the movie):

“Cyrus, this is your bar-b-cue, and it tastes good”

“I’m gonna show you god doooess exxxissst” (he sounds exactly like Forrest Gump in this one)

Cage and Con Air are my favorite memories of working at that stupid Theater all summer.  When I found this video, it immediately reminded me of how “larger than life” Cage was at one time, and how he’s such a fantastically bad actor that it’s hard not to like him.  He tries so hard to be the coolest guy in the world.  Sometimes it works.  Most of the time it doesn’t.

This video features several commercials strung together and they really don’t make any sense to me.  I think he is advertising for a particular brand of Pachinko machine, but I’m not entirely sure.  For those of you who don’t know, Pachinko is a pretty crazy form of gambling that is popular in Japan (it was extremely popular when I was in Tokyo) where you enter balls into a machine and then the balls fall down into some kind of place where you gather more balls.  Since gambling is illegal in Tokyo, you take all of the balls that you have won and take them across the street to exchange them for money.  What Nicolas Cage has to do with this game, I have no idea!

Funny Celebrity Videos, Funny Commercials, Nic Cage
Japan, Nic Cage, Pachinko

You don’t hear much about Norm McDonald anymore, and I can’t remember the last time I saw him on TV, but he was one of the funnier comedians to emerge from the 1990’s.   More than just about anyone, it seems to me as if Norm is a polarizing comedian and many people either seem to love him or hate him.  I haven’t talked to many people who were in the middle in their opinions.  Personally, I think he’s great!  Solid and quick wit, funny voice and good delivery.

The video above has been making its way around the various sports blogs I follow today.  In the video, Norm is hosting the 1998 ESPN ESPY awards, and this video is of his monologue.  He does a good job of making fun of just about everyone, and the crowd actually seems to be laughing most of the time.  Really, the only part that pissed off the fans was at the end, when he makes fun of Charles Woodson (who had recently won the Heisman trophy) and told him not to murder a waiter and his ex wife.  That didn’t go over very well with the crowd!  Needless to say, Norm never hosted the ESPY’s again.

Lots of good jokes/one liners from Norm in this clip, including:

“I like Kickboxing because it combines the style and grace of boxing… with KICKING.”

“We have to get back to what made us a championship team: Strippers and Crack”

“There was an east German woman and I swear, you could see the outline of her entire penis”

“Boomer replaced Frank Gifford on Monday Night Football.  Frank told reporters that this would allow him to spend more time with his wife and children.  Then he broke down and cried for 45 minutes.”

“Charles Woodson became the first defensive player to win a Heisman.  That is something they can never take away from you.  Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter.”

Awards Ceremonies, Funny Celebrity Videos, Funny Sports Videos, Norm McDonald
Charles Woodson, East German Women, ESPN, ESPYs, Frank Gifford, Norm McDonald, OJ, Tiger Woods

I have heard nothing but good things about the show Human Giant.  However, since I’m an HD snob, I never watch MTV anymore.  It turns out I’m missing out on some pretty good stuff!  They were involved with Amir and Streeter’s Prank War in an earlier iteration (when Amir nearly cried at their criticism of his acting), and I have seen the stars of the show on several shorts on the Internet.  If only MTV woke up and realized that a) people want HD content and b) people want to watch clips of their shows online, perhaps I would be more in tune with these comic geniuses.

Fortunately, for us all, there is a web site called Funny or Die, which serves up amazing content on a persistent basis.  In this video, Aziz Ansari from the new NBC show Parks and Recreation (which NBC is plugging HEAVILY right now) pretends to be an Olson twin in order to get into a club.  When he gets in, he is hit on by Will Arnett, who is one of the most underrated comedians working today (G.O.B. Bluth and Europe’s Final Countdown anyone?)  Even though Will is happily married to Amy Poehler in real life (and I’d imagine she got pregnant right at the time this was being filmed, since she gave birth in November and this aired in March), he sucked it up for this clip and pretended to be a man of the night.

This video is pretty off the wall, and the language isn’t very wholesome (not that anything I post on here is really SFW language-wise), but I feel compelled to post this, because it is one of the funniest videos that I have seen.  Even funnier is the fact that it was published a YEAR AGO and I just found out about it last weekend when my buddy Kraig pointed me in the direction of this video.  I normally pride myself on catching this stuff on the up-tick, but I totally dropped the ball on this one.  This isn’t the last time you will see the word balls in this post.

On to the actual content of the video.  Several great lines, most of them not of Christian nature.  Read below at your own risk.   I even filtered the really funny parts from this commentary!

Hummer with a Prius Shell

“Between you and me, I drive a Hummer with a Prius Shell on it… it gets even worse mileage than a Hummer… “

“Oh Mary Kate.  You got my balls wound up so tight”

“Let’s go back to my hotel room, I gotta nutt”

“I’m gonna impregnate your mouth”

Reporter: “How long have you been a couple?” Will (to reporter): “No – we’re not a couple… I’m just babysitting her”  Will To Mary Kate: “I’m gonna babysit your vagina”

“I can’t believe my dick just barfed that much”

“Check it out, it’s a sex machine”  “I have this really romantic fist attachment”

“I’m gonna live forever!!”

Funny Celebrity Videos, Funny or Die, Human Giant, Will Arnett
Ashley Olson, Aziz Ansari, Human Giant, Mary Kate Olson, Matthew McConnoghey, Sex Tape, Will Arnett